Positive Attitude
A Herman & Stefon Production
Announcer: Positive Attitude contains routines and stunts that some viewers may find offensive, repulsive, or straight up stupid. Do not try them at home. If you do we will find you. There are cameras everywhere… watching… every… single… move you make HAHAHHAH JUST KIDDING, CHRIST I COULDNT KEEP A STRAIGHT FUCKING FACE… Ahem. No Seriously don’t try them though.
And now! From the deranged minds of Herman and Stefon, we present to you POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
Pause of silence
Off stage
Herman and Stefon are bickering whispering behind the curtain
Herman: I’m not going out there.
Stefon: What?
Herman: I’m not going out there.
Stefon: What? Why not? Wait. This isn’t about Herman Firebird is it?
Herman: Come on, I already have everything set up for it. I want it to be my thing.
Stefon: No! You aren’t doing Herman Firebird!
Pause of silence
Off stage
Herman and Stefon are bickering whispering behind the curtain
Herman: I’m not going out there.
Stefon: What?
Herman: I’m not going out there.
Stefon: What? Why not? Wait. This isn’t about Herman Firebird is it?
Herman: Come on, I already have everything set up for it. I want it to be my thing.
Stefon: No! You aren’t doing Herman Firebird!
Herman: But I want to do Herman Firebird!
Stefon: We have to go out there. They already announced us.
Herman: Fine.
Herman and Stefon walk out on stage.
Stefon: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! We hope that everyone enjoys tonight's events!
Herman: I just want to know what bet they lost.
Stefon: Uhhhh Herman? What the fuck are you doing?
Herman: Bro its a joke.
Stefon: Um, okay. But yeah! We have a lot in store for tonight! In fact, we are going to need some help! Sir, please come join us on stage!
Audience member joins Herman and Stefon on stage. Herman looks at the audience member.
Herman: But seriously though. You could have gone to see (Insert show here) but instead you came to see the fucking carneys?
Stefon: Herman!
Herman: Whaaaaatttttttt
Stefon: What are you doing?!?
Herman: I’m sorry. I’m just really nervous.
Stefon: One second. (Stefon walks away and comes back with a full whiskey bottle) Here.
Herman: Are you sure? We are about to do a show.
Stefon: I trust you.
Herman: Fair enough. Herman starts chugging bottle of whiskey
Stefon: Okay, so in the meantime sir/madam, pick any card. Okay, now put it back in the deck. Feel free to shuffle the deck.
Herman continues to chug
Stefon: He’ll be okay. He had a lot of practice in college.
Herman stops chugging, looks at Stefon
Stefon: Oh, right, he didn’t go to college!
Herman: Thank you!
Herman continues to chug
Herman spits out whiskey and has a rolled up card in between his teeth
Herman: Dude, what the fuck? Was that in there the whole time?
Stefon: Oh my god! sir/madam, look through the deck! Is your card in there? No? Herman! Unroll that card!
Herman: That's not funny Stefon! Is that why you grabbed me that bottle?
Stefon: Uhhhhh no? You seemed stressed.
Herman: Okay. Yep. Really fucked up, I will get you back!
Stefon: Okay, just open the card.
Herman unfolds card to reveal spectators card while coughing.
Herman and Stefon wave, both walk off of the stage.
Stefon walks back on stage with a folding table and a leather wrap. He opens the table and unrolls the leather. In the leather roll, there is a Q-Tip, a nail, and a faux cigarette with a lighter.
Stefon: We have to go out there. They already announced us.
Herman: Fine.
Herman and Stefon walk out on stage.
Stefon: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! We hope that everyone enjoys tonight's events!
Herman: I just want to know what bet they lost.
Stefon: Uhhhh Herman? What the fuck are you doing?
Herman: Bro its a joke.
Stefon: Um, okay. But yeah! We have a lot in store for tonight! In fact, we are going to need some help! Sir, please come join us on stage!
Audience member joins Herman and Stefon on stage. Herman looks at the audience member.
Herman: But seriously though. You could have gone to see (Insert show here) but instead you came to see the fucking carneys?
Stefon: Herman!
Herman: Whaaaaatttttttt
Stefon: What are you doing?!?
Herman: I’m sorry. I’m just really nervous.
Stefon: One second. (Stefon walks away and comes back with a full whiskey bottle) Here.
Herman: Are you sure? We are about to do a show.
Stefon: I trust you.
Herman: Fair enough. Herman starts chugging bottle of whiskey
Stefon: Okay, so in the meantime sir/madam, pick any card. Okay, now put it back in the deck. Feel free to shuffle the deck.
Herman continues to chug
Stefon: He’ll be okay. He had a lot of practice in college.
Herman stops chugging, looks at Stefon
Stefon: Oh, right, he didn’t go to college!
Herman: Thank you!
Herman continues to chug
Herman spits out whiskey and has a rolled up card in between his teeth
Herman: Dude, what the fuck? Was that in there the whole time?
Stefon: Oh my god! sir/madam, look through the deck! Is your card in there? No? Herman! Unroll that card!
Herman: That's not funny Stefon! Is that why you grabbed me that bottle?
Stefon: Uhhhhh no? You seemed stressed.
Herman: Okay. Yep. Really fucked up, I will get you back!
Stefon: Okay, just open the card.
Herman unfolds card to reveal spectators card while coughing.
Herman and Stefon wave, both walk off of the stage.
Stefon walks back on stage with a folding table and a leather wrap. He opens the table and unrolls the leather. In the leather roll, there is a Q-Tip, a nail, and a faux cigarette with a lighter.
Stefon walks off stage and walks back on stage with a full beer bottle and a pint glass. He puts it next to the nail.
Stefon: Ladies and gentlemen, I am what is known as in the medical profession as a “Human Blockhead”. Don’t laugh. This is serious. I would like to invite someone on stage to join me and helps me. I will demonstrate to you what it means to be a human blockhead! It simply means that I like to fill holes with foreign objects.
Herman chuckles from backstage.
Stefon: I SAID DON’T LAUGH! THIS IS SERIOUS! I MEANT MY NOSTRILS YOU PERVERTS! Now, it all starts with patience, and starting small.
Herman chuckles again.
Stefon: Seriously? Christ. Can I do what I need to do? Now where was I? Oh right! Starting small!
Herman (From backstage): AND CLOSING YOUR EYES?!
Stefon: MOTHER FUCKER!
Herman: Laughing hysterically. Okay, okay, I’m done. I’m done.
Stefon: Are you sure?
Herman: Yeah, I’m good.
Stefon: Okay. What I have here is a Q-Tip. This is what I used when I was starting out. Please, (talking to the audience member) take a look at this and make sure that it is in fact a Q-Tip. Now, this is the easy part. Taking this Q-Tip and putting it into my nasal cavity like so.
Stefon puts the Q-Tip into his nasal cavity. He then shows it to the audience and has the volunteer pull it out.
Stefon: Then, with practice, I was able to learn how to do what most human blockheads do and hammer a nail into my face. This is the most common trick that a human blockhead will do. Now, for this I will use a nail, and my hammer will be this pint glass.
Stefon hands both to the audience member.
Stefon: Ladies and gentlemen, I am what is known as in the medical profession as a “Human Blockhead”. Don’t laugh. This is serious. I would like to invite someone on stage to join me and helps me. I will demonstrate to you what it means to be a human blockhead! It simply means that I like to fill holes with foreign objects.
Herman chuckles from backstage.
Stefon: I SAID DON’T LAUGH! THIS IS SERIOUS! I MEANT MY NOSTRILS YOU PERVERTS! Now, it all starts with patience, and starting small.
Herman chuckles again.
Stefon: Seriously? Christ. Can I do what I need to do? Now where was I? Oh right! Starting small!
Herman (From backstage): AND CLOSING YOUR EYES?!
Stefon: MOTHER FUCKER!
Herman: Laughing hysterically. Okay, okay, I’m done. I’m done.
Stefon: Are you sure?
Herman: Yeah, I’m good.
Stefon: Okay. What I have here is a Q-Tip. This is what I used when I was starting out. Please, (talking to the audience member) take a look at this and make sure that it is in fact a Q-Tip. Now, this is the easy part. Taking this Q-Tip and putting it into my nasal cavity like so.
Stefon puts the Q-Tip into his nasal cavity. He then shows it to the audience and has the volunteer pull it out.
Stefon: Then, with practice, I was able to learn how to do what most human blockheads do and hammer a nail into my face. This is the most common trick that a human blockhead will do. Now, for this I will use a nail, and my hammer will be this pint glass.
Stefon hands both to the audience member.
Stefon: Don’t laugh.
Stefon takes the nail and puts it into his mouth. Stefon takes the pint glass, taps the nail against it once, and begins to hammer the nail into his face with the glass. He then opens the beer, pours it into the pint glass and chugs it half way. He has the audience member pull the nail out.
Stefon: Then there is my version. Now we all know that smoking is bad, so don’t do it. Especially though the nose!
Stefon takes the faux cigarette, puts it into his nose, and lights it. He inhales, and breathes the smoke out of his mouth. While the lit cigarette is still in his nose. He pulls and puts the cigarette out. Stefon picks up what is left of the beer and chugs.
Herman walks back out on stage to watch.
Stefon: Sorry, I only really drink when I smoke. Let us thank (audience member) for pulling out!
Stefon looks at Herman. Herman is silent, looking at Stefon confused.
Herman: What?
Stefon: Really?
Herman: What?
Stefon: You aren't going to say anything? I set you up perfectly.
Herman: For what?
Stefon: Nevermind.
Stefon starts to walk off stage. Herman (still confused) walks off with him.
Herman: No seriously, was I supposed to say something?
Herman walks back on stage with horns, contacts and an “I heart demons” shirt.
Herman: (With voice modulator twirling torch) HELLO MORTALS, WATCH IN TERROR AS I CONSUME THE FLAMES O..f hell. Hey. wait crap. (Voice modulator turns off)
Stefon: (Walking off with plug) Hey, Herman, I hope that it's okay that I unplugged this, I needed to charge my phone. Wait, was that the modul-DAMMIT HERMAN, I SAID NOT TO THE DEMON STUFF!
Herman: BUT I AM CONSUMING THE FLAMES OF HELL. AND I WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS. EVEN MADE THE SHIRT MY SELF!
Stefon: Yeah, it looks like it (he says rolling his eyes) Hang on, I’ll fix it. (Walks off stage, walks back on with red sharpy, scribbles on shirt to make it say “I totally don’t heart demons”). There we go.
Herman looks at Stefon, looks down at shirt, looks back at Stefon.
Stefon: You’re right, not pure enough.
Herman turns around, reveals “live, laugh, love” shirt.
Stefon: Perfect! Okay, carry on. (Drops, the cord, walks off stage)
Herman: Okay! Now, I am going to show you, what is sad to say, a dying art! This will by far be one of the most dangerous feats that we perform for you!
Stefon walks back out on stage. Goes into audience to watch Herman.
Herman: You are about to see why the call me…..
Stefon: Wait what?
Stefon runs on stage.
Heraman: WHY THEY CALL ME!
Stefon: I swear to god if his shirt changes to-
Herman: HERMAN FIREBIRD! (Two steps from hell - Area51 plays)
Herman changes into a shirt that says “HERMAN FIREBIRD”
Stefon: Motherfucker!
Herman does a serious fireating routine.
Stefon facepalms and looks stressed.
Herman: Wait, no, this isn’t what I wanted to do. Can we play track two please? This music isn’t working. It's not me. (Coldplay - Clocks starts playing)
Stefon rolls his eyes and goes backstage.
Herman starts re-doing the fire eating routine but sloppy.
Stefon takes the nail and puts it into his mouth. Stefon takes the pint glass, taps the nail against it once, and begins to hammer the nail into his face with the glass. He then opens the beer, pours it into the pint glass and chugs it half way. He has the audience member pull the nail out.
Stefon: Then there is my version. Now we all know that smoking is bad, so don’t do it. Especially though the nose!
Stefon takes the faux cigarette, puts it into his nose, and lights it. He inhales, and breathes the smoke out of his mouth. While the lit cigarette is still in his nose. He pulls and puts the cigarette out. Stefon picks up what is left of the beer and chugs.
Herman walks back out on stage to watch.
Stefon: Sorry, I only really drink when I smoke. Let us thank (audience member) for pulling out!
Stefon looks at Herman. Herman is silent, looking at Stefon confused.
Herman: What?
Stefon: Really?
Herman: What?
Stefon: You aren't going to say anything? I set you up perfectly.
Herman: For what?
Stefon: Nevermind.
Stefon starts to walk off stage. Herman (still confused) walks off with him.
Herman: No seriously, was I supposed to say something?
Herman walks back on stage with horns, contacts and an “I heart demons” shirt.
Herman: (With voice modulator twirling torch) HELLO MORTALS, WATCH IN TERROR AS I CONSUME THE FLAMES O..f hell. Hey. wait crap. (Voice modulator turns off)
Stefon: (Walking off with plug) Hey, Herman, I hope that it's okay that I unplugged this, I needed to charge my phone. Wait, was that the modul-DAMMIT HERMAN, I SAID NOT TO THE DEMON STUFF!
Herman: BUT I AM CONSUMING THE FLAMES OF HELL. AND I WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS. EVEN MADE THE SHIRT MY SELF!
Stefon: Yeah, it looks like it (he says rolling his eyes) Hang on, I’ll fix it. (Walks off stage, walks back on with red sharpy, scribbles on shirt to make it say “I totally don’t heart demons”). There we go.
Herman looks at Stefon, looks down at shirt, looks back at Stefon.
Stefon: You’re right, not pure enough.
Herman turns around, reveals “live, laugh, love” shirt.
Stefon: Perfect! Okay, carry on. (Drops, the cord, walks off stage)
Herman: Okay! Now, I am going to show you, what is sad to say, a dying art! This will by far be one of the most dangerous feats that we perform for you!
Stefon walks back out on stage. Goes into audience to watch Herman.
Herman: You are about to see why the call me…..
Stefon: Wait what?
Stefon runs on stage.
Heraman: WHY THEY CALL ME!
Stefon: I swear to god if his shirt changes to-
Herman: HERMAN FIREBIRD! (Two steps from hell - Area51 plays)
Herman changes into a shirt that says “HERMAN FIREBIRD”
Stefon: Motherfucker!
Herman does a serious fireating routine.
Stefon facepalms and looks stressed.
Herman: Wait, no, this isn’t what I wanted to do. Can we play track two please? This music isn’t working. It's not me. (Coldplay - Clocks starts playing)
Stefon rolls his eyes and goes backstage.
Herman starts re-doing the fire eating routine but sloppy.
Herman lights one torch, goes to eat it but blows it out, bows and walks off stage. The music is still playing. Herman walks back on stage, across the stage with a lit torch. Looks at the crowd, says “Herman Firebird” and blows the torch out. Continues to walk off stage. The music continues. Herman Heeleys back on stage with two lit torches in each hand. He looks at the crowd gliding across the stage and says “Herman Firebird” and blows both torches out.
Stefon walks back on stage. He walks across the stage while Herman is still doing his “routine”, he walks behind the curtain and changes the music back to Two Steps from Hell.
Herman: Come on dude! I was in the middle of my bit!
Stefon: Let's do the “bit” that doesn’t catch the place on fire.
Herman: Fine! Can I keep the shirt?
Stefon: Ugh….. fine….
Herman: AWESOME!
Herman does some legitimate fire eating.
After eating fire eating, Herman bows and walks off stage.
INTERMISSION
Stefon walks back on stage. He walks across the stage while Herman is still doing his “routine”, he walks behind the curtain and changes the music back to Two Steps from Hell.
Herman: Come on dude! I was in the middle of my bit!
Stefon: Let's do the “bit” that doesn’t catch the place on fire.
Herman: Fine! Can I keep the shirt?
Stefon: Ugh….. fine….
Herman: AWESOME!
Herman does some legitimate fire eating.
After eating fire eating, Herman bows and walks off stage.
INTERMISSION
No comments:
Post a Comment